"The Gospel According to Mel"

Given that the Pope has just exonerated the Jews as collective Christ killers, I thought it'd be nice to dust off this oldie, from around the time Mel brought out his sensitive and considered Passion of the Christ



Now in the days of studio governor Harvey Winestain,
there came to Holy-wood a man
lead by his star,
and on the road to Burbank he had a vision
and his father Hutton spake to him saying
"Mel, why don't you make a serious film,
one that truly affirms our faith?"
"What?" said Mel, Mad Max 4,
Lethal Weapon 6 ... we've already
remade Vatican 2"

"No", said his father, "redo the Book,
The Greatest Story Ever Sold.
It's out of copyright, the script'll write itself
and with any luck we'll have
atheists picketing cinemas".

And the cocaine scales fell from Mel's hands
and his wine turned to mineral water
and he said "yeah! But we godda do it right, dad,
just like it was.
Forget those pharisees at Miramax,
I'll do it myself, with accuracy and truth.
Now the lead role of Jesus is obvious ...
Ah, c'mon dad! I warmed up for this in Braveheart.
Oh, alright. Now let's see.
This computer graphic shows
exactly what an Aramaic man
would have looked like 2000 years ago ....
stunted, bent, big nose ...
Christ! It's Woody Allen! Only uglier ...
Screw that. Find me a six-foot-four
lantern-jawed babe-magnet with
dazzling dentistry. That'll affirm the faith.
I mean what is truth anyway?”

"Oh yeah, and scourging,
I want lots and lots of scourging."

And it came to pass.
Mel's film was made
and all were astounded by its success.
On the third day his box office takings did rise
and he appeared before TV hosts
and spake saying:
"no comment. Leave my dad
and his big bigoted mouth out of it.
But I tell you this - beware false profits.
The true profit will be
well over the hundred million mark.
And that's before the miracle
of the videos and DVDs.

And for forty days and nights
Mel suffered a grueling round of
press conferences.
But he knew his critics were jealous
and plotting against him.
They tried to catch him out with questions:
"Mel, is it right that a man should
make a sanctimonious, self-aggrandising vanity project
backed by a cunningly orchestrated media campaign
of selective leaks and screenings,
beaten into a frenzy on the controversy and hype of
violence, blood-lust and anti-semitism -
not to mention a bogus stamp of approval from the Pope -
and then cloak it all in the guise of faith?
Isn't this film just boasting ‘my faith is bigger than yours?'"

But Mel knew the critics were out to trap him,
and so answered saying,
"the greatest commandment is to love one another ...
but this is personal,
so listen up sugar tits
if you don't shut your trap I'll twist your
guts on a stick,
stuff you and turn you into a punching bag."

He then spoke in parables about the days to come:
"Holy-wood's become a moral sewer.
I'd like to clean it up by remaking a few films,
like The Good, The Bad And The Eternally Damned,
and Gentiles Prefer Blondes

"But what I'd most like to make
is part two of this film - The Second Coming.
Trouble is I'll be the only one round to see it.
You're all going to the other place”.